


Welcome to Flavortown!

by pokey_jr



Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: F/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 22:45:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokey_jr/pseuds/pokey_jr
Summary: Sex with Jerry: a critical review.apologetic h/t to Pete Wells





	Welcome to Flavortown!

Jerry Smith, have you looked in the mirror anytime recently? Have you assessed your sense self worth and, on a scale of happy to sad faces, rated it as ‘whimpering blob’? Would you have sex with yourself?

Who or what do you imagine you look like upon the initiation of the following sequence: half-close eyes, allow tongue to loll out of mouth like a fat worm, lean in for kiss?

When you see a pair of breasts, what compels you to call them ‘jugs’ and ‘sexy funbags’? Or was it just mine? Is the concept of a nipple clamp one that is familiar to you? Is that the sensation you were trying to evoke with your inept fumblings? Can you imagine the cringing horror I endured when you, uninvited and heedless of all but your own juvenile needs, continued to pinch and suck my nipples even after I swatted you away?

Are you my father? Then why insist on being called ‘daddy’? Did you seriously expect me to moan helplessly, overcome by lust, at your fetid-breathed demand that I refer to you as such? 

Is your nickname for your own penis supposed to be a joke? If so, on whom? Yourself or your partners? Speaking of things non-titanic, upon how many partners have you inflicted your oblivious, self-centered ruttings? One? Two? Would anyone even admit to having done the equivalent of desperate self-justification limbo which, I must now conclude, would be required to devalue oneself enough to sleep with you?

Does the term ‘clitoris’ spark any recognition in your closed mind? Could you please indicate it on this diagram? No? 

Dost thou perceive the graveness of the injury/

Inflicted upon ear and pride 

When you decide, mid-coitus, 

To recite Shakespearean sonnets to spice things up? 

Why would you ask me if I wanted to go ‘see Chewbacca’?

At your moment of completion, was it on purpose that you cried out your own name? And who is Sleepy Gary?

When at last you rolled off of me, proclaiming that that was the best sex of your life, did you realize that only thirty seconds had elapsed? How exactly did you manage that? Were you trying to set a record? Do you think this disastrous encounter with your pancake-like body will register as anything other than a mere aside, an ‘I’ve got a story for you’ when the topic of Worst Sex Ever comes up?


End file.
